Lynn Scott says “I’m back”

Lynn Scott says “I’m back”   January 2016

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Lynn Scott says Enter a caption

 

 

Two years ago I decided i had nothing to say and buried my blog. Yet, now, in 2016 and soon to be 86, I think i might be useful to someone. I am about to celebrate my 15th year in the women’s class at Spirit Rock in Marin county, CA. Lately, I realized how much i have learned from teachers and other women at Spirit Rock. When I was a feminist therapist, it would never occur to me to have someone who wasn’t moving toward freedom from her emotional pain look at what she might be holding that was actually causing it: to look inward at the concepts she might be running with. We were careful then not to ‘blame the victim.’

I have been sharing a senior house (studio and bath each, and shared living room and kitchen) with a sweet man. We have little in common except our view of the world, no small thing. Within a year his 15-year-old son needed a home quickly and moved in for several years. But lately i have been feeling angry about my house mate’s ‘lifestyle.’ I was inarticulate in trying to get him to understand what my needs were. And one day, as I drove into our street and saw his frequent visitor (i had judgements about) was there, I felt myself tighten, I said to myself, ‘okay, you have tried to correct things, and it won’t happen, so what can you do with yourself to be content?’  And it came to me that i had been trying all these years to recreate ‘home’ with this other family. I did shopping and cooking for years before stepping back from that. Now I saw that I was acting more like angry wife than was at all reasonable.

There are two apartments in this cottage, A and B. I had always ignored that idea, but now I took it up. This man wasn’t remotely interested in the tight role of man of the house, and I certainly had long tired of being a housewife (just check the dust around things) and so I became an apartment liver. In evenings during dinner that i make while my housemate is still having cocktail hour, I go back to my apartment and watch a movie or read a number of books. I hear people coming and going and I am content. My housemate and I sometimes meet during the breakfast hours (10-noon) and have a nice chat. I told him of my breakthrough and didn’t expect anything from him. He hugged me in relief.

I ‘get’ now that most of the pain I create in myself is because i am hanging onto concepts that, if they worked once, no longer do. Updating has been a very fine idea. It is how i have recently helped friends take back their power by doing their own inner research. One of the Buddhist tenets most needed by women, I believe, is being compassionate, starting with ourselves. Loving others cannot work very well if we show no love to ourselves;  the small child still residing in our psyches who tries to protect us from pain by hanging into old concepts, needs loving control from our grown-up selves. Buddhism is more of a guide for living life wisely than a ‘religion.’  I am grateful to still be learning how to free myself of tired old karma.

With thought, Lynn Scott

Click on book title A Joyful Encounter: My Mother, My Alzheimer Clients, and Me to see Lynn Scott’s memoir available through Amazon.com

A Joyful Encounter:My Mother, My Alzheimer Clients, And Me

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